Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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