matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
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