we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
