i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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