Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
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