the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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