Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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