you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize