I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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