I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize