I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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