you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
