This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
he was CRYING into my vagina
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
