I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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