Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Randomize
