Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
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