I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
