i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
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