You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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