He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Randomize
