Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....