Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
