need another drink. this is the easiest way
I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
