Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
