The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Watching her eat just hurts me
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
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