So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
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