So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
