she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
PANTIES FOUND
Randomize
