you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
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Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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