she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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