a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
