I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
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