I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
you will always have a special place in my vag
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Randomize
