Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
