I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
