I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.