This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.