:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
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My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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