she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Randomize
