Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
