so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Need sex. Gaining weight.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
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