Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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