His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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