I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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