So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
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