The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
