He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
