piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
