You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
