dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
