Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
