Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
You were trust falling into bushes
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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