heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
