you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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